Age:19 this yr
De Coder's Cafe
favour MSN emo
Coding By Kelly
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
How can u really tell that if someone is doing the wrong things ? what if he is doing it out of desperation, and wat is wrong ? when someone is hurt then is wrong ? wat about breaking up with gf/bf ? All i know is that as long as when a person is doing something for a good reason i'm fine with that. But it goes down to the next question that wat is a good reason ? when u don't have a better alternative around the problem?
And how do a person determine which is a better solution ? this questions just keep going on and on and on, never ceased.
wat is your opinion on family ? i don't really like it. i juz feel that as long as there are bonds that stop u from doing certain things, it becomes burden. As far as i have the obligation, responsibility or duty to take care of my parents. But there seems to be nothing i can do about it now. Father always pissed mother off, Mother constantly having the tot of suicide. Somehow i don't feel supported by family, i tried to support them but they never seems to care. slowly, i do not see the point in doing so. Family are suppose to be warmth or comfort? My comfort zone in my house started from the house to my room and living room. And every weekend the only comfortable place is my bed and nothing out of it. Recently, i found another comfortable place, unsurprising, is the highest lvl of a carpark.
And this con't to a pt that i tink being in school feels more like a being in family than home, being around with friends feels more like being around with brothers and sisters. As far as my parents says the door to family will always open for mi, apparently i am stepping out of home more frequently than usual soon it may juz reach a point where is juz wish i don have to be back at all. For the care my parents shown to is becoming more like under observation. Over showing of care has become a burden more than anything, more than A lvl stress, more than study stress more than relationship.
I have naive brothers who think that they understand mi very well, and think that they can tell mi what is right and wrong and stop mi from doing certain things. i don't think they are even close to friends.
My family have become so cold that i think that there is nothing i can tell them about mi and my problems.. when i tell them my problems they will juz say things like knowing this will happen, u should do so in the 1st place. Seriously, this is no help and totally negative add-on. My school canteen auntie and uncle mindset are more forward than them. probably because they work closer to teenager.
Right now, nothing i can do about it, i can't support myself based on my current condition. and i'm determined to work to support myself during Uni.
I don't think my family is screw up, cause my brother seems to be happy being in this "family" is probably mi having too much expectation of family. I must walk out of this "family" instead of them getting out of my little world. In the end, i juz wan to do things my way instead being forced to walk a path with no reason, the only reason is probably because they think they know wat is good for mi and wat is bad for mi.
Whether, good or bad for mi i should exp myself to understand. i prefer feelings than words.
in the mean time.... this ----> :D (may be fake)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Lets do a inverse countdown... from 2dae 4 more days b4 murong return..hahahaXD
I really miss her so much.. sometimes despite that she will be back without her around is still very bored.. as in when i am not motivated at least i call her talk to her so that my mood will be better esp when i need to study... study is the worst thing that i ever did so far in life esp studying subject that i have no interest in...
ytd watch The Karate Kid..with Zhi heng, Meiqin, Arlha. A very good show to watch actually. Anyway we talk about their life after A lvl.. where are they going to do...and i had this thing that cross my mind.. Singapore always wanted to create elite but Singapore spend most of their funds on education to kill talents. I mean like other then the talents that Singapore wants to create what about those Art talents. In singapore those very Art base talents, are very hard to develop cause of the system.10 years of compulsory education other than that is up to u... that is pretty much crap cause after secondary school only 3 ways out ITE, Poly or JC. lets not talk about JC the other 2 i tink they have very limited course... i mean like if u ever wan to lead a better life in the future of course ppl will usually choose to go Uni to get a degree. Either of the 3 ways if u work hard enough u will get into Uni... as in really work very very work...even for JC. When u go Uni, the course got even more limited. cause the course are determine by Singapore society, u don really see courses that is related to music, painting or dancing. even if u do, is probably related to Singapore economic. Simply because Singapore is a small country the only resource that we have is dadadadada........I juz think that Singapore education system is a perfect talents killing system, unless u very interested in business related topic..
For mi? i choose the JC in the 1st place so i'm pretty much stuck to it so i have to work this through no matter wat...when i saw my friend collected the result some of them are really happy some of them break down some of them just feel nothing about it. At that time, i really wish i can do something about it. So i started thinking to do something about it, but the current mi cannot do anything about cause i'm like them stuck in the system. The next best thing i can do is to climb to the top of the system and start doing changing from there. I have a good who always says that "If u don't like something, do something about it. Don't complaint don kpkb. " I think that is how i feel about it... but all talk no action... haix sucks to be mi...hahaha
For now. I will pick up my SHM notes beside mi and start reading... i should be happy cause i finally did something for 2dae.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
HAha Husky have so many looks.. anyway 18 days have passed since Murong left and 3days since my grandma pass away.
in just 8days so many things have happened, starts with 8 june when my grandma fell for the 3rd time within 6 months. from the second fall i already knew her days are numbered. On the 3rd time i was still thinking maybe not so fast perhaps a few more day. then i tink about it..hmm juz go and visit her while i can... in the end she passed away on the 9th of june juz before the day i visit her. Knowing that doesn't really sadden mi nor am i happy. I juz feel kinda of heavy. Not talking about my weight but my heart. No tears no smile.. anyone who witness death even thought is not someone close people might juz feel this way unless i'm talking about my big bro than probably i won't feel anything only bad memories when i think about him... juz that for mi and my grandma wasn't that close... so i juz felt this way. Good thing is that she didn't die in pain or anything she juz died in coma and she have already made quite a result going as far as 88yrs old. thats on the brighter side...
In this week, i also have a history test that i pretty much...ermm.. think i shan't talk about it...other than all this... this is a very difficult week for mi to stay happy esp when murong isn't around...Only thing i should really feel happy about this week is probably history common test is over..seriously nothing to enjoy about...this week is really DOWN week...oh well, I only hope next week will be better
Thursday, June 03, 2010
juz a pic of husky XD
Yeah is the 10th day already... lucky Husky is with mi if not i would probably die?
speaking of dying. 2dae i was thinking if i die... how would murong feel. She always tell mi "i would be sad"... then i will tell her if i really die.. i hope u will be the one to design my grave hahahaXD...Esp if i die when murong has no idea at all... imaging if she come back happily juz because she missed mi and i dies ???thats pretty dramatic... anyway u won't know what will happen the next second...
I realise i am very sensitive towards other ppl feeling or thought about mi...it is not really a good thing...cause it sometimes restrict ur behavior u were always afraid of things or words that u say might hurt somebody... i mean sometimes there really are taboo for ur friends... 1 or 2 of this is ok... when is too much it gets heavier cause u have to shape yourself to fit into mold... sometime is really hard to breath this way... and thats y sometimes u really need a friend to talk to be yourself
Sometime i really hope my friend or ppl around would just tell mi that there is something that they don't like about mi.. though there are things when is ask to do it loses all its meaning... but sometime i think there is a need ba. some ppl are juz too polite and ppl don get their msg they trying to hint... i not very smart on this kind of things...
and sometimes because of this i start imagine things like "does that person hate mi ot wat" Or is that person annoyed by mi... the best part is that when i ask the person r u ok with what i'm doing some ppl would juz tell mi "oh is ok" but in fact right under his mind... that person is pretty pissed...there are times i really hope that i can read a person mind so that i won't have to imagine things or crack my brain juz to think or feel how other ppl feel...after all i still prefer friend so can practically take anything... well who wouldn't wan a friend like this hahaha XD
whatever it is we still have to be happy to be able to breath other than to breath when u r alone...i think i'm seriously running out of things to talk about.. still, we have to Enjoy the little things in life....:D
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
it's been 9 days already... everything still looks good.
My problem never seems to cease and some persisting one look kinda of childish and dumb? i don't know about other ppl cause if anyone have prob they would probably told someone or solve themselves is not really my business to ask around not like i can help them unless is my gf
My problem seems childish because there are a lot of things i know that i have to do rationally but emotionally i couldn't accept it. What i think and how i feel is too different for me to make sense out of it... lets just call it half mature. I think feeling is very impt because sometime feeling are the motivation to push u beyond ur limit because it is something that u wan to do it not u should do it... like study i know i should study but study something that i have no interest is not wat i want as far as they are probably link to my future. Anyway that is just how Singapore system work... study so hard for something that u might not even do in the future
Some of my problem seems dumb because they are problems that seems to be gone but nv and return and haunt from time to time... though tell mi to face it, confront it, and be brave about it.Yet, i always thought all this time i'm dealing with it but seems like i'm still running away from it."Face Your Own Problems" i also know but how???
there are ppl who hold on to their problems for 6...7 yrs. I tot mine is long enough. When the day b4 i start telling my friend the story of my problem i don't feel anything wrong about it as it i don't feel that it is a problem... i think it only hurts when the feeling return.... like i say feeling is very impt as much as thinking
And when murong is always very emotional.. she will always say " well, life is always ups ans downs is like PMS even though u r not girl"
but i think i still like the rule from zombieland..."Enjoy the little things in life"
Monday, May 31, 2010
Hmm... 8 days has past since Murong left
Well i'm still hanging on pretty well getting use to days without her...
Hmm i kinda realise that i nv really ask her how she notice my existence.. i mean if we are in the same CCA of course we know each other..wat i meant was how did she notice that i am her kind of person... For mi i kinda realise that when mi and her were in relationship...so mine attention for her is only afterwards..after a few dates then i realise that she is cute...
I always tell her that i like her having long hair make yourself look more like a girl...and then she tries.. try to keep long hair wear skirt... until one day she told mi that she wans to cut her hair... so i say go ahead...then she got this really puzzled look wondering y...so i told her that i like u becoz of who u r not becoz of how u look like...if i'm with her juz for her look i might as well juz find any cute girl on the street...this is call playing for "fuck"... anyway in this 8 days i tink i need to change myself for her for everything she has done for mi...at least thats how i feel
i tried something 'fun' 2dae i tried drinking beer by poking a hole below and open the can... the feeling is pretty nice hahaha XD
There is this thought that i have about couple and i think is pretty common among some ppl... When a couple are together and seriously in love they will reach a point where don't will not appreciate each other...well there are a few ending for such things probably break up? or give each other sometime to test each other? or juz leave each other alone for months?... i don know maybe more...whatever it is ultimately...is still about how much ppl wan to cherish their relationship...
i often tell murong that hmm.... i'm not going to leave u unless u wan to leave mi....
No matter what happen whether sad, happy, angry and even feel weak don forget to Enjoy the little things in life... try drinking beer a different way :D
MISSING JJ CATZ HAVE ANYONE SEEN HER????
Anyway i haven seen the cat for the like a few months already. Although she bit mi sometime but she is nice to play... worse come to worse did she....become.... curry for the security guard?!?!?!?!
Neh i don't think so, the guard her pretty well perhaps she went to look for her husband?? she is something little that i enjoy in life oh well now that she is gone what can i do?? can't possibly look for her cause i still got 'A' ?
Whatever it is, its been 7days already? since murong left.. now that i think of it.. it still feels lonely without her around. At first, keep thinking of the sad past and then got really down don't feel like studying, though i know that' hey is A lvl this lvl gotta study' it just doesn't come to mi. So to overcome i need to tell someone my emotion is a simplest way to get things off the chest.
So i decided to install MSN again! :D
since murong is not around, i have to talk to someone and so i found Zi heng and Arielle. One treats mi like a little brother probably and the other one perhaps one of the key player in his life since he says i'm one the person that he wants to meet in life? And tks to them i've overcome and the emotional barrier. Tks Arielle for her time and energy allllll the while not just this but during secondary school too can't help having this feeling that i'm wasting her time. She is like a lighthouse??? always pointing to mi the 'right' way
As for Zi heng tks anyway knowing u don't really know what happen to mi in the past but tks for the time for listening to thing that u don't really have to... he is........hmmmm eccentric? neh that is the word for mi... hmmmm mature in a different? perhaps? but i got this feeling that he would be a really good friend if i was able to spend more time with him???
come to think of it... i am who i am tks to every single person or animals that appear in my life be it the one i hate i love i cherish i look up to tks... on side notes this doesn't include my brothers cause i simply hate them too much to tks them...just can't wait for them to die or i die 1st...sadist ain't i... oh well that simply shows that how much i hate them.. such hatred is beyond words...i bet my mom will hate herself after she read this for not able to resolve the hate in mi for my brother... not that i will kill them right away or whatsoever...
Anyway is like Forrest Gump said u don't find any good friends from any corner
they are hard to find.. losing one makes mi cherish the next one losing one more makes mi wan to cherish the next one more and on and on and on.... i tink good friend is juz simple those that i feel comfortable talking to de
let mi try recall... My class de got Zi heng i tink him only lah secondary school one
think i lose then all..hmm that makes mi want to cherish the one in JC....oh wait got arielle...hmmm...current class....don have...Aww now then i realise how lonely i am
well doesn't matter...
Whatever it is i will always enjoy the little things in life :D
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I think i should always start my blog with, "Its been quite sometime since i last wrote my last entry". True enough anyway.
Recently has been really emotional, little things like watching Wall-E i already feel like crying. Crying makes me feel weak so i try not to. Reason for bring so emotional may be that i'm just so sick of JC life. Friends and family who sees me will always ask "Why you so sian?" and i will ask them this question "How to not feel sian when u are always doing things that u don't like for so many years". So i'm determined to find out things or jobs so that i won't feel so miserable in the future.
And there are people like my brother or even my mother say is hard to find something like that don't waste your time go and study. I was pretty pissed when i heard that. Is like how can u call pursuit dream a waste of time. If u don't have dream or never reach it, then don't prevent the rest from attaining them. It is very screw up to think this way. They always act like they understand how i feel and tell me to get good grades for your result so that u can find your dreams afterward.However as far as good grades can get u almost anywhere, ya almost. There are places where even good grades cannot get u to. So what do they know about grades. Grades should never be the gauge to determine your future cause good grades does not mean good work efficient.
What if all u can do is to memories, when u go to the workplace, mostly u r to do things only the boss ask u to instead of thinking what to do. When that happens, it just means that u r pretty much mindless or at least i will feel that way.
For the past 2 months, i tried taking video for sports events. Pretty fun but i got this feeling that it isn't what i want to do. Anyway, i learn a couple of things and hear about reality. The reality is that there are some teachers who have this 'ivory tower' and think that they are tall and mighty? It happens when my friends taking video of a badminton game and have this list on whether which court is playing what game. So some HOD took her list, when my friend ask about it, this HOD said,"U r here to film the game how can u not know anything". Well if not for the reputation and good manner i guess my friend would have fuck her upside down. Educator living off taxpayer money yet thinks they are some big fuck. HOD with higher pay simply makes them bigger fuck. Educator of Singapore is not up to standard, not talking about the teaching skill but about their behavior and mindsets toward teaching. Simply because of some iron rice bowl they have doesn't they can do whatever they want. As much as student and teachers can have fun in the midst of learning, mindset of the teachers should be more humble instead of some ivory tower that makes the student look ignorance so that they appear smarter. Is delusional for them to think this way. I think Goh Keng Swee creates a good education system for Singapore. I guess it is mainly the Ministry Of Error and the Educator who screw up the whole system.
Despite so many things around me really makes me feel very sian. The least i could do? Enjoy every little things in life